Hatefully Yours
by Moondragon
Summary: Companion piece to ‘In the Lines Between’. Draco’s monologue about life, war and hate. For what could well a Death Eater’s son know about love? HPDM Implied slash.


This little piece is best read together with 'In the Lines Between', which is from Harry's point of view, but it can also be read separately. I have no idea if my Draco is believable or not, so I'd really like comments on that. There are very brief mentions of murder and torture, but nothing detailed. Slight slash...

Disclaimer: All of the characters belong to J.K.Rowling and Warner Bros, and are used without permit.  
Summary: Companion piece to 'In the Lines Between'. Draco's monologue about life, war and hate. For what could well a Death Eater's son know about love?

**Hatefully Yours**  
Moondragon

Love is not a victory march  
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Leonard Cohen: Hallelujah

--

One of the first lessons I learned in life is that love makes you weak. It drains your soul and leaves you broken. Consumes you until you are no more than a puppet without any thoughts of your own. Love leaves you open for being hurt, gives people opportunity to use you. It breaks you, takes you and leaves you utterly defenceless.

Hate on the other hand, is powerful. Hate builds you up again when you think you've given up, it makes you strong because you won't let your enemies have the satisfaction of seeing you broken. Anger and rage fuels you and makes you try harder. It gives you determination and willpower to reach whatever goal you've set yourself, just to prove that you can.

People say that love is passion, but they've got it all wrong. It's hate that's passion.

I am the son of a Death Eater, though people seem to believe differently about what that means for me. My childhood and upbringing might not be what most consider normal. Love has never had a place at Malfoy Manor. My father have murdered, killed and tortured countless people. I have never killed anyone myself, but I've done things that are just as gruesome. I am the Malfoy heir and certain things are expected of me. I have been brought up to despise and hate Muggles and mudbloods, to believe myself superior to them. I have had lessons in the Dark Arts since I first showed signs of magic. I've also had lessons in etiquette, fencing and so on, all to uphold the family name and follow my father in the Dark Ways. It is my foretold destiny…

When I'm through with this year, my seventh and final, I am expected to be initiated as a Death Eater. And I don't know, I honestly don't, because although I believe Muggles and mudbloods to be beneath me, I simply don't see the 'fame and glory' in killing them. I am proud of my heritage and family name, and I've never claimed differently. So, is it wrong of me to want something more in life? Something more than bowing down to some madman, to be branded and hide behind masks, to live in constant fear of being exposed or not pleasing the master? This is a man (if I can still call him such) who was defeated by a one-year-old child! I believe in the idea behind it all, but it has gotten of track and I don't believe it will ever succeed.

On the other hand, how can I not choose the Dark? What choice do I really have? I could go to Dumbledore, but would he believe me? He probably would give me the chance, but I doubt he would ever trust me. Nor would anyone else on the Light side. Is it worth betraying my father and all I've been brought up to believe in over the years, to instead live with distrust and mocking? Can I really see myself working and fighting for the Light? There's always the option to become a spy, but I simply can't lie to my father. He would see right through me. The cut has to be clean; it's either this or that, no in between. I don't know if it will ever be worth the sacrifices I'll have to make and continue to live with. I can't help but wonder what his reaction would be if I walked into the meeting room with Dumbledore. He'd probably think it's a trap or scam of some sort. I certainly would, and so will those moronic sidekicks of his. Maybe he'll expect me to beg his forgiveness and apologize for all I've said and done towards him over the years. I could say that I had to hate him because of my father and his expectations of me. I won't, because I don't regret a single word spoken to him. The hate towards him is real. I don't hate him because of my father; I hate him because I have to.

Then there's the option that falls between these two, the one I haven't really dared to think about yet. I could escape, run away, and leave my entire world behind and start anew somewhere else. But this is a coward's way out and I am already too involved in this war to drop out now. And then…then I would have to leave him as well, and I just can't do that. I can't…

I am a fighter and no matter what happens, I'll fight. I was born to stand at the front with a sword in one hand and wand in the other. The only question left is which side I'll be on.

With him or against him…

It has happened that I've been asked why I hate him so much. Not often, after all I'm expected and almost encouraged to dislike and despise him. I tell them something along the line of, "I'm a Malfoy, someone had to uphold the wizarding standards," or "He disgusts me, mingling with mudbloods and low class peasants." While both of those answers are true, that's not the reason why I hate him so much. Because I hate him, completely, with all that I am. Someday I'll answer truthfully and they'll get the shock of their lives.

Does anyone begin to suspect the truth? Or is it just to unbelievable? I certainly think so…

Sometimes I get so frustrated with all the people around me, crowding me. Most of the people here behave like sheep, following rules and directions, censorship of their thoughts to fit in. I've never been like that, and neither has he, though I know it may seem like it, both for him and me. Many believe me to be simply a puppet of my father and, to a certain degree, they might be right. I have my own thoughts and ideas, but I am still a Slytherin and I will only reveal what I want to. He is, in some ways at least, a pawn of Dumbledore, yet he finds his own ways. He shines bright even though he doesn't want to.

I like to delude myself and believe that he needs me. People say that we need a hero, yet they turn against him at the first chance they get. I know how hard it is to live up to expectations set before you by others. He has been betrayed by his closest and most trusted friends and yet… I have been a constant in his life here at Hogwarts. No matter what has happened to him or around him, I've always been there. Not to encourage or support him, but he knows what to expect from me and that will never change.

The truth is simple really. I hate him because I won't permit myself to love him.

And I could never bring myself to be indifferent towards him.

--

**Author's Note:**

If you haven't already, go read the companion piece to this story, 'In the Lines Between'. And please leave a review? Pretty please?

Also, there won't be any more chapters and I very much doubt I'll ever write a sequel to this…

Luv and all that,  
Moondragon


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